How THIS WORK Began
I am a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist, trained in systemic thinking — understanding a person not as an isolated set of symptoms, but as part of the relationships and family patterns that shape them. As part of that grounding, I was introduced to the Crucible® Approach in graduate school and it made immediate sense to me and gave me hope for experiencing the type of relationship I always believed was possible. I've built both my own life and my work around it since.
Beyond my initial introduction in grad school, my real education in this work came from training directly with Dr. David Schnarch — the developer of the Crucible® Approach and Crucible Neurobiological Therapy (CNT) — for a number of years prior to his death. That training didn't stop with his passing. I continue ongoing Crucible® Therapy and CNT workshops, webinars, trainings, and consultation groups led by Steering Committee members of the International Crucible Therapy Education Center (ICTEC).
My consultation style is straightforward. I believe the issues clients bring to me deserve that respect. I utilize collaborative confrontation to speak to the part of you that wants to deal with yourself, stand on your own two feet, increase your capacity for intimacy with your partner, and develop deeper meaning in the important relationships in your life.
Why I DO THIS WORK
Loving well isn't tidy, and it was never going to be. It means loving people fully, knowing you don't get to keep any of them forever — a child who grows up and leaves, a spouse who won't outlive you or will, a version of your own life that doesn't last forever either. In her book by the same name, Susan Cain describes the word 'Bittersweet, as "a tendency to states of...poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world...(and that) the longing, a sharp awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world... (that) the tragedy of life is linked inescapeably with its splendor."
I believe Dr. Schnarch would agree that this is inherent in what it means to love well, that experiencing profound intimacy with another demands that we agree to bear the eventual deep pain of their loss, or they yours. This isn't the love that fairy tales describe. This is the love of meaning making, of freeing your partner of the responsibilty of your feelings so you remain free to choose your partner (or not) each day; of increasing your capacity for intimacy — for being known. There is nothing noble in going blind to yourself or your partner in the name of building a relationship. Solid relationships are built on the backs of partners willing to be honest with each other. Anything else precludes this. Withholding honesty about yourself because your partner may not approve, or not reciprocate, or withholding honesty about your partner because it may cause them to leave may keep you comfortable but it will not afford you the gift of the deep pain of the eventual loss of them.
Not everyone is looking for this kind of depth. I'm drawn to working with people who are. This isn't easy work. To quote Dr. Schnarch, loving isn't for the weak. This work requires stubborness from the best in you, a commitment to seeing yourself and your partner accurately, and the willingness to do what is in your own best interest — including tolerating pain for growth.
"You don't have the choice between being anxious or not. Your choice is which anxiety do you prefer? Do you prefer the anxiety and benefits of Option A? Or do you prefer getting anxious and joyous over Option B? In other words do you want to be scared of this or grieve over that?"
Dr. David Schnarch
More WORDS...
Scroll for some of my favorite quotes by Dr. Schnarch that lie at the heart of this work.
My AIM
My aim is to help you see your own patterns — and the dynamics in your relationships — clearly enough to make real decisions about them. My focus isn't on making you feel better in the moment; it's on helping you function better in your life, even when you experience those two things pulling you in different directions. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to make sure you're deciding with your eyes open.
My HOPE
My hope is to watch the people I work with become deliberate around building a life defined by integrity rather than accommodation — capable of real intimacy because they're capable of holding onto themselves first. That kind of life isn't always the more comfortable one; holding onto yourself doesn't always win you peace in the short term. But it's the kind that holds up — the kind where you're actually known by the people close to you, not just tolerated by them.
